SamboraBlog

Our personal MTV Movie Awards

By LINDSEY WARD - Winnipeg Sun
You can pimp out Oscar in a phat D&G suit with matching bling and toss him in the latest Fendi bag -- and he still won't be half as sick (read: incredibly cool) as the golden popcorn trophies dished out at the 15th annual MTV Movie Awards.

Phrases like "outstanding cinematography" and "brilliant screenplay" go straight to the crapper in favour of psuedo kudos like "best kiss" at this hip film fete, which is, indeed, so cool -- or perhaps so profane -- MTV doesn't dare air it live. Instead, we get a pristine edited version five days after it was taped at Sony Pictures Studio, within easy limo distance of Hollywood.

Considering the winners were named in Sunday's Sun and all F-bombs have been bleeped, we've ruled out wild unpredictability as a selling point for the show. Hell, the dish on who's-wearing-what-slutty-getup and swag bags exceeding $17,000 are the major draws for a star-studded line-up that includes host Jessica Alba; performers Christina Aguilera, AFI and Gnarls Barkley; presenters Colin Farrell, Jessica Simpson, Jamie Foxx and Justin Timberlake.

We're quite convinced the whole affair hasn't a thing to do with movies. And that's OK. The real lives of the celebs who may or may not appear on the show are far more interesting than their flicks anyway. And some of them are far more deserving of recognition in some of the same quirky categories the MTV Awards are famous for. Here are our personal picks:

Best Performance

Nominees: Mr. Smith for acting like Mrs. Smith doesn't exist; Mrs. Smith for acting like Mr. Smith doesn't exist; Jennifer Aniston for acting like she's actually OK with the fact Mr. Smith left her to knock up the pouty-lipped Mrs. Smith.

And the Winner is ... Jen. She's totally got it goin' on, with that "I can laugh at my darkest moments" or whatever beeswax. Plus, she gets bonus points in the denial department for that non-relationship she's not in with a certain wedding crasher.

Breakthrough Performance

Nominees: Suri Holmes Cruise, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, Matilda Rose Ledger.

And the Winner is ... Suri. Who knows, TomKat's newborn girl was probably told newborns are to be seen, not heard, entering the world, and for that she deserves a prize -- so she can whack Daddy over the head with it when she's older.

Sexiest Performance

Nominees: Colin Farrell for his alleged sex tape, Jessica Simpson for her alleged sex tape -- oops, we mean The Dukes of Hazzard, Jessica Alba for the Sinful sex tape many hope she'll soon make.

And the Winner is ... The Jessicas. Colin's clearly out, since men never actually win this category. This leaves the blonde Jessica and the brunette Jessica to duke it out for the tantalizing title, which sounds like a start to an even more scandalous sex tape.

Best Fight

Nominees: Denise Richards vs. Heather Locklear, Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields, Russell Crowe vs. everybody.

And the Winner is ... Denise Richards vs. Heather Locklear. Tom and Brooke's post-partum feud is so last year, and Russell's a perpetual scrapper. Besides, it actually seems like Heather's genuinely cheesed that her former best friend stole her now ex-hubby, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora. Good job, ladies.

Best Kiss

Nominees: Heath Ledger & Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain, Heath Ledger & Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain, Heath Ledger & Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain.

And the Winner is ... A no-brainer. No other Hollywood smooch can match this onscreen hunk-on-hunk action. Even MTV can't screw up this one -- the duo earn the golden popcorn during the two-hour show, airing at 8 p.m. on MTV Canada.