July 23, 2006

Sambora / Richards...Locklear? 77

They're deliriously rich, totally hot and super available.

So why can't they hold onto a decent man?

Heather Locklear, Teri Hatcher, Carmen Electra, Halle Berry, and now supermodel Christie Brinkley have bet on everlasting love and lost. Their romance scorecard plays out like something between a Greek tragedy and a cheesy Venezuelan soap opera: five women, 12 weddings, and not a single success story. If the most beautiful women in the world can't hold onto a man, who can?

We predict someone will come forward. If it's you, here's an unbiased look at the romance résumés of five leading ladies.

Heather Locklear

History: Divorced Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, who then shacked up with Pamela Anderson; currently separated from Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora, who is dating Charlie Sheen's ex, Denise Richards.

Assets: Gorgeous ex-cheerleader with a great sense of humor who pulls in $250,000 a week on TV. Owns cozy beach home. Unlike her exes, she doesn't kiss and tell.

Bonus: Used to play a cop on TV, so she might still have a spare set of handcuffs. Plus, she was spotted with David Spade. If he has a shot, so do you.

Drawback: Has a weakness for washed-up rockers with tattoos and big hair.

Carmen Electra

History: Ran away to Vegas to marry Chicago Bulls bully Dennis Rodman. Unfortunately, his wedding dress was prettier than hers; currently 'amicably separating' from hubby No. 2, Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro.

Assets: Makes a great living doing pretty much nothing. Lots of free time. No kids.

Bonus: Will strip just for fun because she loves being naked.

Drawback: Your mother will definitely not approve. Her clothing budget will bankrupt you.

Teri Hatcher

History: Ex-ballet dancer who used to cheer for the San Fran 49ers; stole Superman's heart and is now desperately single on TV; twice divorced in real life.

Assets: One of the highest paid actresses on TV, pulling in $380,000 a week. She's also a sucker for endangered species.

Bonus: Once named the Sexiest Woman in the World by FHM magazine.

Drawback: She was caught smooching with Ryan Seacrest. Ick.

Halle Berry

History: Prom queen, Miss USA runner-up and Oscar-winning movie star who pulls in $14 million for a few months' work. Married ballplayer David Justice and musician Eric Benet. Divorced both for cheating on her — again and again and again.

Assets: See her bursting from the surf with a knife strapped to her hip in the James Bond flick Die Another Day.

Bonus: Says she'll never marry again.

Drawback: She's on to you. 'Men are more interested in my body than my brains,' she says. (That said, she's currently dating a model.)

Christie Brinkley

History: Supermodel and swimsuit cover girl. Three ex-husbands and one on the way out. Currently being publicly embarrassed by her cheating hubby and a 19-year-old.

Assets: Holds the record for appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Even at age 52, would look fabulous wearing a potato sack.

Bonus: Has great genes and a lifetime supply of makeup, and loves swimsuits.

Drawback: After four strikes, she could be the newest member of the man-haters club. Bitter isn't pretty.

Posted by riesambo at July 23, 2006 09:21 AM