SamboraBlog

Breaking up is a way of life in Hollywood

By KEVIN WILLIAMSON and TANIS FOWLER -- Calgary Sun

It can be uglier to watch than Star Jones and Al Roker clawing for the last Jolly Rancher at the bottom of the box.

Yet the breakup, that seismic splitting of a once-happy union, rarely ends sweetly for either party. That’s especially true in Hollywood, where suntans outlast marriages and the minutia of every foul word and scorned glance is splashed in glossy colour at magazine racks the world over.

Case in point: Jennifer Aniston, Hollywood’s pre-eminent breakup girl who capitalizes on her highly publicized relationship difficulties with today’s release of the romantic comedy The Break-Up, which co-stars her current beau Vince Vaughn (or former beau, depending on which week it is and which publication you peruse).

For Aniston, the movie marks her best — and possibly last — chance at establishing herself as a film star after a series of big-screen bombs (Derailed, Rumour Has It). For Vaughn, it marks an opportunity to morph from snide, cinematic jackass to romantic lead. And should it succeed, it will be the first time in years when any ink spilled about Aniston didn’t relate to ex-husband Brad Pitt or his new companion, Angelina Jolie. Fear not, though, as there will always be star-crossed couples breaking up, making up and hooking up in Hollywood, some to the detriment of their careers, some to their great benefit. The following, then, is merely a sampling — a taste, if you will — of the bold, beautiful bile you find when celebrity couplings call it quits.

Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: Shockingly slow. Sambora and Locklear’s 11-year marriage dates back to when Bon Jovi had hits.

LEGAL EASE?: They gave love a bad name but have yet to clash in court. Both have moved on — he with her former best friend Denise Richards and she with … David Spade?!

OFFSPRING: One eight-year-old daughter.

PRENUP: Presumably. Otherwise, Locklear gets a dollar every time Born To Be My Baby plays at a tractor pull.

REUNION PROSPECTS: Don’t hold your breath — or your bic lighter. Locklear’s dating David Spade now and once you’ve had Spade, you never go back to human.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: They were wed for four years.

LEGAL EASE?: Legal papers Richards filed portrayed Sheen as a deranged lout. He countered he’d have to be to sit through Starship Troopers.

OFFSPRING: Two daughters, Lola and Sam.

PRENUP: She gets the house, he keeps his porn stash.

REUNION PROSPECTS: There’s a better chance of Richards being a good actress. Or Sheen becoming a monk.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: Married four years.

LEGAL EASE?: They smoothly divided their fortune. His share went to Africa. Her share went to the salon.

OFFSPRING: None, despite Pitt’s desire to have kids. He’s now making up for lost time by re-pollinating the United Nations with little Jolie-Pitts.

PRENUP: Friends will be there for you — and so will lawyers. Many, many lawyers.

REUNION PROSPECTS: There’s a better chance of Matthew Perry’s weight staying the same for a week or Matt LeBlanc finding work.

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: They divorced after 10 years.

LEGAL EASE?: They seemed pretty no-nonsense and private about the whole thing. This was back in the days before Cruise was an open book. A creepy, weird, overly-excitable book.

Offspring: Two adopted children, Connor and Isabella who hopefully decide not to follow dad’s example in, um, anything.

Prenup: And how! We doubt it was a pre-nup as much as it was a “marriage contract” specifying exact duration of the marriage, time and place of breakup and jokes that Kidman could and could not tell about Cruise on talk shows post-breakup

Reunion Prospects: Sure.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: Seven years — 1993 to 2000. He’s been associated with Saturday Night Live longer than he was married to Basinger.

LEGAL EASE?: If by ease you mean, as easy as cutting the other’s eye out with a spoon. Main irreconcilable difference? Baldwin still can’t believe she’s the one with the Oscar.

Offspring: One daughter, Ireland, the subject of an ongoing, expensive custody battle.

Prenup: He apparently got the talent, but she got the ability to not be irritating when it comes to touting her politics around town.

Reunion Prospects: Nothing will come between Kim and her Oscar.

Eminem and Kim Mathers

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: A few years. Break. A few months.

LEGAL EASE?: For all the time he spends in court rooms with Kim, Eminem should simply relocate his former trailer home to the courthouse of his choice.

Offspring: One little girl, Hayley, who is sure to grow up a well-adjusted woman with no issues whatsoever. It’s not like Eminem ever recorded a rap/lullaby to her wherein he asked her to help him “push mommy’s body into the lake.”

Prenup: Doubtful there was one the first time around, but it’s highly unlikely the ruthless rapper would have entered into his second marriage without requiring her to sign away access to the money he made rapping about killing her.

Reunion Prospects: Given another five chances, we’re sure these two crazy kids can make it!

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake

FAST TRAIN OR SLOW RIDE TO SPLITSVILLE?: Four years of syrupy pop perfection.

LEGAL EASE?: In the court of popular opinion, we judge Britney to be totally lame for breaking up with Justin. It’s been a steady slide downhill since then.

Offspring: None. Because she was totally a virgin until she got married, y’all!

Prenup: She should’ve had Justin sign one stipulating he could never leave her and take her “talent” with him.

Reunion Prospects: Justin seems happy with girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Britney seems like an excellent candidate for a guest star on Desperate Housewives.

Howard Gensler | The Bachelor Prince strikes again

WHO WOULD have figured that Prince Albert of Monaco was the Kevin Federline of royalty?

Another day, another kid.

It turns out the prince, who was single for so long people started to whisper, has not been lacking for female companionship.

Yesterday his lawyer, Thierry Lacoste, acknowledged in the French newspaper, Le Figaro, that Albert is the father of a 14-year-old California girl.

She's the nicely-named Jazmin Grace Grimaldi, and although she is welcome in Monaco (gee, that's big of them), she cannot take the throne, and the royal family does not recognize her use of the Grimaldi name. So says Lacoste.

French media reports say Albert had a brief, but long enough, affair with the girl's mother, Tamara Rotolo, in 1991 when she vacationed on the Cote d'Azur. A 1992 Riverside County birth certificate identified the girl's father as Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre Grimaldi of Monaco.

Didn't anyone in California notice that back in 1992?

(If any Philadelphia official ever sees a birth certificate in which the father is listed as Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre Grimaldi of Monaco, please call this paper immediately.)

As for Monaco, the royal palace refused to comment on the "private affairs of the prince," spokeswoman Christiane Stahl said.

Can you blame them? They'd need to hire more staff.

Paternity was legally established a few weeks ago, Lacoste told Le Figaro. Albert initially had planned to keep it a secret until his daughter reached adulthood, but "the situation had become untenable for her" in recent weeks amid increasing speculation about her father, Lacoste said.

Making it more untenable, news outlets began publishing what school Jazmin goes to, so gawkers and stalkers can just hang . (It's gotta be tough enough for the girl, whose life has become an Amanda Bynes movie.) An Associated Press reporter and photographer were warned yesterday they would be arrested and their camera gear seized if they stepped foot on school property.

It was only last July that Grace's boy admitted he had fathered a child out of wedlock with a former flight attendant from Togo in West Africa. The boy, Alexandre, is now 3 years old.

Albert told the New York Times last year that other women had made similar claims. "I don't know of any others that could be true," he said.

Let's try that again.

Rotolo made a paternity claim shortly after Jazmin was born, Albert told the Times, but after a U.S. court dismissed the case, he thought the matter had gone away.

The story of Alexandre brought it back. Hi, dad.

Is the suit armor-plated?

Sgt. Peter Damon, a National Guardsman from Middleborough, Mass., who lost both arms in the Iraq war, is suing Michael Moore, saying Moore used snippets of a TV interview without his permission to falsely portray him as anti-war in "Fahrenheit 9/11."

Damon, who says he "agrees with and supports the President and the United States' war effort," is asking for damages because of "loss of reputation, emotional distress, embarrassment, and personal humiliation," according to the lawsuit filed in Suffolk Superior Court last week.

Neither Moore nor Miramax, also named as a defendant, have had any comment so far on the matter.

"It's upsetting to him because he's lived his life supportive of his government, he's been a patriot, he's been a soldier, and he's now being portrayed in a movie that is the antithesis of all of that," Damon's lawyer, Dennis Lynch, said.

Damon is seeking $75 million in damages. His wife is suing for an additional $10 million in damages because of the mental distress caused to her husband.

"A Night at the Opera"?

"Definitely Maybe," the debut album by Oasis, has beaten the Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" in a British vote for the greatest album of all time - really the greatest rock album made by white guys of all time, since they got all the votes.

The Beatles took third place with "Revolver" and had three other albums - "The Beatles (The White Album)," "Abbey Road" and "Rubber Soul" - in the Top 100 in the vote staged by British Hit Singles & Albums, an annual publication, and NME.com.

Other albums in the top 10: "OK Computer," Radiohead; "(What's the Story) Morning Glory?" Oasis; "Nevermind," Nirvana; "The Stone Roses," The Stone Roses; "Dark Side of the Moon," Pink Floyd; "The Queen Is Dead," The Smiths; and "The Bends," Radiohead.

Tattbits

• The Hollywood baby brigade crawls on.

The stork brought a boy Wednesday to Rachel Weisz and her fiance, director Darren Aronofsky. No other details yet.

• The Star reports:

That Britney Spears is sitting down with her lawyers and wondering why she ever renegotiated Kevin Federline's pre-nup.

That Jessica Simpson is still man-less post-Nick Lachey and, according to an anonymous source, "has just enough distance from Nick to see all the good things about their relationship... and she thinks she threw in the towel too fast."

That Denise Richards and Richie Sambora are already so in love they're talking about getting married and having a baby.

• The Hollywood Reporter says Len Wiseman ("Underworld") is in talks to direct "Die Hard 4," which will find John McClane (Bruce Willis) battling Internet terrorists.

Aren't Internet terrorists all geeky teens?

• After an airline official noticed Pete Doherty behaving suspiciously on a flight from London to Barcelona yesterday, the addled rocker was searched for drugs at the airport, but was cleared to proceed after no drugs were found.

Kind of makes you wonder about airport security if they can't find drugs on Pete Doherty.