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February 16, 2006

Sambora / Locklear 32

Dirty Laundry“It’s not what you think!”

By Keeley Kristen

I can never resist the opportunity to point and laugh at some of these ridiculous people running around Hollywood, labeled as “celebrities.” Today is no exception.

I’ll start with Lindsay Lohan. Call me crazy but let’s just say that if I was in Lohan’s paparazzi-status shoes, the last thing – OK, one of the last things – on Earth I would do is mess some bigshot designer like Chanel’s Karl Lagerfield by lying to the press that I would be fronting Chanel’s next advertising campaign.

In December, following Kate Moss’ dismissal over white-pony use allegations, Lohan bragged about how she had won a “lucrative” contract with the fashion monster.

That is pretty bold of the Mean Girl to think she could follow up behind veteran Moss.

While the press ate it up, Lagerfield was busy laughing off her reports, insisting she is … guess. Too immature. What a surprise.

Lagerfield scoffed, over a dry martini, I’m sure, that the label needs sophisticated icons, like Nicole Kidman.


And since we’re on the ridonkulous train, let’s talk about Tom Cruise. Rumor has it that when verbal moron Kanye West was asked to be involved in the soundtrack of “Mission: Impossible III,” the dummy announced he was too busy to play around with the classic theme.

So what happened next? Big, bad, controlling and scary Tom Cruise paid West a little visit. I was hoping to find out that he probed him with Scientology lectures but that’s not the case. However, I’m (wink, wink) REAL sure it went just like Cruise said.

Cruise refused to take no for an answer, telling MTV News, “I’m a big fan of his work and [when I heard he was busy] … I went by and he did a version of ‘MI3’ and an original … It is ‘Wow …’ When you see an artist that you just respect and he’s so talented … I looked at him and said ‘Man, you killed it.’”

Riiiiight. Because evvvvverybody’s a big fan of ole Kanye. And are you kidding me that you respect this dude? Don’t you understand the words coming out of this fool’s mouth?

Oh wait – my bad. I guess you do. You’ve been to Whacktown.

Hollywood veteran Glenn Close (“Fatal Attraction”) has married for the third time last Friday. Close, 58, and biotechnology entrepreneur David Shaw wed in Maine.

All I got to say to you, dude, is doooon’t botch it up. And don’t attach yourself to rabbits as beloved family pets.

Is Nick Lachey possibly dating his future ex-wife’s best friend and personal assistant? Who cares!

And lastly, who’s got your inside dirt on what went down between Heather Locklear and rocker Richie Sambora?

It seems that Locklear smacked Sambora upside the head with divorce papers after finding some sexy e-mails from Sambora’s former personal assistant. Stephanie Heaton had worked for Sambora for seven years and was fired last year after e-mailing the rocker some racy photos of her lying on her side, wearing only fishnet stockings and boots, and in another pic, “wearing a baby-doll nightie in a provocative pose.”

But wait, there’s more. Word is that Heaton was actually fired for getting too close to Richie by acting like his wife and mother to his daughter with Locklear, Ava. Apparently Locklear recognized this and was under the impression that all ties were severed between the two.

Boy was she wrong.

It was Locklear who found the photos and after them came news that her dear, sweet hubby and the baby-doll-nightie-wearin’ brunette were speaking on the phone every day, according to the Star.

People magazine reports that, to no surprise, Rich is “saying nothing ever happened, that he never asked for the pictures

Wait, is that how it works? Men have to ask for them?

Posted by riesambo at February 16, 2006 10:18 AM