SamboraBlog

Sambora has a bad day Breaking up is easy to do when you have your publicist issue a statement

By MIKE BELL -- Calgary Sun

A couple of months ago in this space I made reference to my manservant Gary and the fine work he did for me in his daily duties (not the least of which was giggling like a schoolgirl every time I said the word "duties." Which was often).

Now, those who know me will attest that I'm nothing if not fair -- as even-keeled in my temper as Crispin Glover is in his daily life, almost Busey-an in my emotional stability, a veritable Courtney Love of sanity and resolve.

Which will put into perspective this sad, sad news -- earlier this week I had to unfortunately relieve Gary of his duties.

(The silence is like a knife to my heart.)

There was many a time I turned a blind, runny eye to Gary's incompetence -- how he'd wipe the butter from my chin after several bites of lobster not one, how he'd genuflect only upon demand and when he'd thoughtlessly bleed on the carpet after severe ashtray beatings.

But last week, no eye, no matter how caked-over with the sticky morning mixture of sleep and grenadine, could overlook Gary's flagrant disregard of the trust I placed in his sweaty, swarthy palms.

"Gary," said I, that fateful Thursday morn.

"Gary, these are the things I want you to do and the order they must be done in.

"Number one: Alphabetize my prescriptions; secondly, send another cookie bouquet to Tina Yothers; thirdly, call Richie Sambora and break things off gently; and finally, finally, Gary, and this is very important," I remember saying to Gary, "issue a brief tasteful press release announcing our separation -- something about irreconcilable differences or fraud or you could just come right out and say I just realized he's still in Bon Jovi.

"I'll leave it up to you to decide."

As God is my witness, those were Gary's orders for the day.

Had I known he would mix things up, had I known his appalling attention to detail would result in heartbreak and embarrassment for Richie, I would have waited until after Valentine's Day and those special, special plans he had for us.

But, alas, I guess despite Gary paying the ultimate price for his mistake -- i.e. being buried alive in an unmarked grave -- I really should accept a certain amount of blame.

Because no matter how clean and easy breaking up seems when it's done via fax machine to all major media outlets, someone is bound to get hurt.

In the future, I promise to take a personal hand in all affairs of the heart.

I promise to take responsibility for all of my messy breakups with '80s hairbags.

I promise to do my -- sigh -- duty.

GOOD DAY FOR BON FANS

Before he stopped returning my calls, Richie did mention Bon Jovi is close to firming up a Calgary date.

The word on the street is the band and promoters are looking at a show during the Stampede, which this summer runs from July 7-16.

The only other big 'Dome show booked for that two week period is country superstar Alan Jackson July 15.

Keep reading the Sun -- we'll have the official announcement when we get it.

QUICK HITS:

On a post on Radiohead's official website (www.radiohead.com), Thom Yorke reveals the band is in the studio and hard at work on their next record. At least we think that's what this means: "So here we are with spike stent in our studio which now looks like NASA. and we are being taken to task. we are having to shake the dust off. no more (b.s.). stop answering the phones and thinking of excuses to leave the building. instead get on with it." ... Maybe emboldened by the recent announcements by Split Enz and Smashing Pumpkins, according to reports, Johnny Lydon is contemplating putting the Sex Pistols back together for one more tour. Shhh. Do you hear that? That's the sound of the world caring ... Also rumoured to be in talks for a reunion, The Kinks ... R. Kelly is hitting the road for a tour and adopting the name Mr. Show Biz. Apparently Mr. Stat Rape didn't have the right zing to it.