SamboraBlog

Some recommendations for the new Gov

11/11/2005

Column by Jeff Edelstein

Dear Jon Corzine,

Congratulations on your victory. Now here’s what I’d like to see you do with the next four years. Listen up.

- Run a contest for the state’sIsland Beach home. You know, the governor’s "summer residence." You don’t need it. Anyone who wants it for a week throws in a buck, you get some lackey to pick a name out of a hat, and presto -- free summer house for a bunch of hard-working New Jerseyans. You should include maid service and stock the fridge with beer.

- Call Bill Bradley and see if he wants that Senate seat back. We like Bill.

- Do something about the budget and property taxes. You’re the financial whiz. This should be easy. You don’t handle both problems, you’re a failure. Period.

- Shave the beard one day, but don’t tell anyone why. Don’t answer any questions about it. Add some mystery.

- Get a hot, semi-age appropriate, high-profile girlfriend. Is Heather Locklear still married to Richie Sambora? If not, get her. Maybe Sharon Stone. How about Marisa Tomei? Always had a soft spot for Marisa Tomei.

- We hear you used to be a decent little basketball player. How about setting up some three-on-three Governor’s Cup action or something? Good for the kids.

- Roll back the drinking age to 18. Your debate mistake isn’t a horrible idea. Every other civilized country trusts 18-year-olds with booze, yet America, the "free" country, doesn’t. Seems silly.

- You’re so rich, you should only do what you think is right for the people of this state. Forget about all the helpers and hangers-on that allowed you to run and win the governorship. They’re not your friends, and you certainly won’t need them when you’re done. Be your own man. Call Jesse Ventura for advice on this.

- Keep inviting Bill Clinton to New Jersey. And tip us off when he’s coming -- we’ll have a few photographers trailing him late into the night, just for the opportunity to run this headline: BAWDY BILL BUSTED IN BORDENTOWN.

- Some more Jersey Shore ideas: Force towns to get rid of beach fees, allow adults to enjoy an adult beverage while on the beach, and instruct local police to arrest, torture, and kill anyone who plays their boomboxes above volume level ‘2’ while on the sand. You do those three things, we’ll make you King Corzine.

- You’re what, 58? Which means you were 20 during the Summer of Love. According to the New York Times, you greet people with the peace sign. Not making any accusations here, but, uh, why don’tcha invite your fellow gubernatorial candidate, Ed "NJWeedman" Forchion, over to the state house some lazy afternoon? And leak the story to the press. You’d be bigger than Jefferson Airplane.

- And lastly, Jonny-boy, realize this: Being a United States senator gives you prestige and respect. Being the governor of New Jersey gives you neither. We’ll turn on you like that (I just snapped my fingers) should you start playing the same-old, same-old. So smarten up quick and do the job the right way. For the people. Not for the puppet-masters. In other words, drop the party affiliation and think and act independently. That’s it. Good luck. Any more questions, give me a call here at the office. I’m here to help.

-- Jeff Edelstein’s columns appear every Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday. He can be reached at jedelstein@trentonian.com.